One of my favorite feelings: a cool night breeze on freshly sunburnt skin
This week I turned the big scary 30. I don’t feel any different knowing now my age starts with a 3 instead of a 2. I’ve just been feeling the typical birthday shit. But if I were to impose some meaning onto this milestone, it would be this list of things that I’ve learned on my way here, these things that helped me get here.
1. Never finding someone you love is a much scarier prospect than never finding someone who loves you.
2. You can become too good at protecting yourself.
3. Letting other people in is important,
4. But definitely not necessary.
5. I can be an island,
6. When I think I need to be -
7. And I don’t know if this is a strength or a weakness.
8. I do realize that I have strengths and weaknesses,
9. But admitting weaknesses is not the same as accepting them.
10. Too many people write off their weaknesses as permanent imperfections and
11. I never want to stop trying to be better.
12. Being happy is difficult,
13. And takes genuine courage,
14. but being happy is fundamentally the only important thing.
15. And there are different kinds of happiness
16. And staying happy can be just as difficult as getting happy,
17. But what I want is a happiness that forgets nothing.
18. A happiness that is aware of the past and future.
19. And I learned that positivity breeds positivity,
20. And there’s no reason not to be positive.
21. I have had to tell myself that no one will ever feel bad for me.
22. When you don’t let people’s negative opinions affect you, their positive opinions don’t either.
23. And I’m ok with that.
24. I need nature. I need trees and skies and dirt. And I need a place to go.
25. Fear really is the mind killer.
26. What you’re “selfish” about and what you’re “giving” about really define what you are as a person.
27. I need less than I thought.
28. Figuring out what you want is really really important.
29. Getting what you want is easy when you know what it is.
30. Life is fun. I love being alive.
The other night I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to write down what the dream was in my notepad ap on my phone. I was very tired. This is what I wrote:
“Small scary things
light burns out
go back upstairs.
hear noise upstairs. like
tiny feet running back and forthgetting faster. In
contstant pattern. faster.
becomes vibration almost.
figure standing there. Long
horsehead, talks in
[i ran out of room and switched to a text to myself here]
said something in devil voice
looked at me. eyes narrowed. we ran. he reached down and ran on all fours., when i stumbled. family turned into wolf#”
I’m not gonna retire ‘cause I’m still young at heart. And time will tell, in the future, who has done their part. And if you don’t agree with me, well then you can sit home until your grave. Because, at any age, we’ll be on this stage playing fast, smart, strong and brave.